I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
