Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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