Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
