If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
