Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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