I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
