If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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