She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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