You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
