She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
