What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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