I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
