i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize
