I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
