my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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