Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
