Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
