come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
