I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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