he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
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HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
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Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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