Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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