3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If I die, sorry about rent.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
