Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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