She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
