my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
