He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
