i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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