So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
