I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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