Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
