you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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