i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
