Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
