Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
this hospital has no fireball
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
