My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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