How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
