Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
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