It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
