my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Semen is not good for contacts.
being pregnant is like rehab
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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