Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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