He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
