My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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