Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
