My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
