K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the day after is always just damage control
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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