Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
