NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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