Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
