I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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