I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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