I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
