I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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