Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
