yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
