I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
