When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
