Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
