I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
